And make no mistake, we are a generation that expects and thrives on praise.  From our youngest days we were primed for performance reviews: bring it on!  Quarterly report cards were considered insufficient, so “progress reports” were issued in the interim to keep us and our parents apprised of our performance relative to our peers.

Personally, I often found that annual performance reviews at work felt insufficient.  Sadly, I once commented to my husband that the perfect job for me would be one where all employees were working towards the same goal and were ranked at the end of each day and rewarded based on being “#1″.

As a stay-at-home mom it is difficult to gauge success and failure.  I crave positive feedback and appreciation desperately, and I will settle for simple acknowledgement that what I am doing is work and it is hard and I am doing a pretty darn good job.

And this is why there are so many mommy blogs.  There is no one around to cheer on our daily accomplishments.  There is no water cooler to gather around to grouse about the banality of our work.  So we turn to each other, through the internet, for validation and camaraderie.

Yesterday, I survived a nuclear meltdown disguised as a toddler temper tantrum.  I managed to emerge from the battle without doing or saying anything that I regretted.  My son wound up in my arms asking me to hold him and telling me that he loved me.  It felt like a huge accomplishment.  I couldn’t wait to post my triumph on facebook, and indeed my mommy friends responded positively and swiftly.

I’d like to think that my blog is about seeking community, but if I am honest with myself it is also about needing to share my accomplishments and receive kudos from others.  I’m not proud of my need for validation and praise, and I wonder how I can protect my children from a similar fate.  How can they find joy and reward in life from the activities themselves?  Isn’t having my son kiss me after a temper tantrum the greatest reward?

Others have a more sanguine perspective on mommy blogs: that they are for socialization, sharing and soliciting information, and can occasionally result in for-profit work.  What do you think?

Now that I am a mom (again) I am coming to terms with the fact that my eating habits and my weight will directly affect my children.  First, I plan all of the meals and shop for all of the groceries.  It is extremely infrequent that my children eat something that wasn’t bought by me, as I am the primary caregiver.  Second, they watch what I eat and learn to accept the foods that I like and turn up their noses at the foods that I dislike.  They know that ice cream is a favorite treat and they’ve watched me grimace as I eat peas.  And they’ve never even experienced kale and swiss chard because I don’t like them.

In light of this news, perhaps losing weight is one of the most important things I can do as a parent to ensure healthy and happy outcomes for my children.

The AAP now recommends delaying solids until 6 months and breastfeeding for the first year. So why is maternity leave only 12 weeks long and why is it unpaid, forcing many new moms back to work even sooner? And as one who has been there, let me assure you that pumping is not the solution!

Babies need food. Mothers supply the perfect food in the form of breastmilk. Mothers need to be with their babies in order to breastfeed and we need to recognize this as work!

I breastfed MJ for 13 long months allowing him to self wean when the time was “right.” I did all of the things that the breastfeeding experts tell you to do: feeding on demand, exclusive breastfeeding for the first 6 months, pumping milk when I went back to work, etc. I was a model of breasfeeding vigilance. And I hated every last minute.

I had sore, cracked nipples that occasionally bled. My breasts leaked and/or sprayed milk until the day I weaned. My body remained flabby because I was ravenous all the time. My son ate for 45 minutes at a time and often seemed insatiable. Far from feeling a loving bond with my baby, I felt tethered to him. Even when I spent a very rare evening away from him my swelling and tender breasts reminded me of my call of duty.

Why isn’t it OK to talk about this?

Yes, I’ve read the articles about the benefits of breastfeeding for babies. I believe strongly in breastfeeding and I will breastfeed my daughter for as long as she wishes. BUT, I refuse to continue the ruse that I enjoy it.

I’m tired of reading about how wonderful breastfeeding is for moms. I’m so over hearing testimonials from mothers who loved, loved, loved breastfeeding their little ones. Let’s get real.

Breastfeeding is hard work. It is physically and emotionally draining. It is a tremendous gift that a mother gives to her child. I love my kids and I am happy to be able to give them this gift. But let’s not pretend that I didn’t pay a price for this.

A recent ad for lanolin promoted this soothing nipple ointment with the tagline “Breastfeeding Sucks”. Breastfeeding advocates were outraged that a company would say such a thing lest women be discouraged from breastfeeding. Why can’t we admit that breastfeeding sucks? It does!

But worse is the sense that the breastfeeding mafia gives you that a “good mom” loves to breastfeed. Why can’t we just say that a good mom breastfeeds and leave it at that? Why make moms feel deficient for not loving and craving breastfeeding? Furthermore there are lots of great moms who don’t breastfeed. But this is another subject and now A has drifted off to sleep…

I think it’s time to establish a similar philosophy for playgrounds and picnic areas. I don’t understand why parents and caregivers cannot instill these values in their children. If you are packing a picnic lunch, think about the trash you will generate and how you will dispose of it. Keeping our play spaces clean should be an imperative for all of us.

The KitchenAid stand mixer has replaced the Cusinart food processor as the “must have” wedding registry item of the 21st century.  This uptick in the popularity of stand mixers goes hand in hand with the current cupcake trend.  Baking, it seems, is cool.

I do my fair share of baking.  Nothing ambitious, mostly little treats for MJ like chocolate chip or oatmeal raisin cookies, banana bread, and blueberry muffins.   I make cakes the old-fashioned way: I open a box of Dunkin Hines.  I don’t aspire to greatness, but I do love the taste and the self-satisfaction that comes with a treat fresh from the oven.

I don’t understand the overwhelming popularity of the stand mixer.  For my money, an inexpensive, good-quality hand mixer is preferable.  They are lightweight, easy to clean, and don’t take up any counter space.  You can get a perfectly adequate hand mixer for about $30, compared to $300 for the average stand mixer.  I am sure that stand mixers are lovely, and for professionals or real baking enthusiasts they are probably a good investment.  But for the average Dunkin Hines loving family a hand mixer is good enough.

The idea that the stand mixer is a must for any wedding registry seems silly and representative of an excessively consumerist culture.  Why do casual cyclists need to ride in a full racing kit?  Why do little league baseball players need professional uniforms?  Aren’t there better ways to spend or, perish the thought, save our money?

Well, my cookies are out of the oven and they are outstanding.  Here is the recipe I use, straight from the all-American, no-frills cookbook “The Joy of Cooking.”

Classic Chocolate Chip Cookies from The Joy of Cooking

Preheat the oven to 375. Grease or line 2 cookie sheets.

Whisk together:
1 cup plus 2 Tbsp all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp baking soda

Beat in a large bowl until well-blended:
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, softened
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup packed light brown sugar

Add and beat until well combined:
1 large egg
1/4 tsp salt
1 1/2 tsp vanilla

Stir in the flour mixture until well-blended and smooth. Stir in 1 cup chocolate chips.

Drop the dough by heaping teaspoonfuls about 2 inches apart on the cookie sheets. Bake, 1 sheet at a time, until the cookies are just slightly colored on top and the edges are brown, about 8 – 10 minutes. Let stand briefly, then remove to a rack to cool.

Makes about 36 cookies.

Even more pernicious are the parents and caregivers who believe that they are multi-tasking when in truth they are neglecting their kids.  Today I walked past a father and son on my street.  Dad was texting away while his son was dismantling a planter filled with tulip buds.  One by one the child (who was only two or three) pulled at the leaves and threw them onto the sidewalk.  Finally dad glanced down and was, of course, horrified.  I didn’t stick around to find out whether dad chose option a: verbal abuse or option b: continued benign neglect.

I wonder if we are at a turning point, do we live more of our lives online than we do in the real world?  It is so easy to stay in touch via linkedin, facebook, twitter, gmail, skype, etc.  Yet, I have noticed that I have fewer face-to-face interactions with friends.  When we do finally get together, chances are the blackberries are on the table next to our plates, lest we miss a status update or a tweet.

We owe it to ourselves and our friends to be present, to live in the real world, rather than online.  And when it comes to our children we must try harder to model the behavior that we want to see them exhibit in the coming years.  Parents and child development experts bemoan the fact that children spend so much time plugged in, ie: online, in front of the tv, and on their iPods and cell phones.  Yet, we fail to hold ourselves sufficiently accountable for the role that we play in modelling this multitasking, constantly connected way of living.

Woody Allen famously said that 80% of success if showing up.  Perhaps the other 20% is powering down.

I know what they were asking, ie: “what is your current job field?”, and the drop-down list contained only one option that would fit: homemaker.  Still I felt odd selecting ”homemaker” as my profession, and I looked at the options on the list to see if there was a better fit.  Policy Analyst?  Project Manager?  Management Consultant?

I guess I don’t think of myself as a professional homemaker.  Sure, I recognize that this is my current job.  I am responsible for childcare, cooking, cleaning, household finances, etc.  You know, all of the things I was responsible for before, just without that pesky 9-to-5 job getting in the way of accomplishing any of my household responsibilities.  I take my current job seriously and I am committed to being good at what I do.

Nevertheless, I am not sure this is my “profession”.  I think of a profession as a career, one’s passion and life’s work.  A professional is one who is trained to perform a job.  I certainly didn’t need an Ivy League degree and a Masters to be a homemaker.  Moreover, I never received any training in the fine arts of “homemaking” and perhaps this is why my apartment never quite looks clean and my cooking skills are fairly rudimentary (a work in progress, to be sure).  I never took a “home ec” class, not that they were offered at any level.  It never would have occurred to me, since I never intended to be a professional homemaker.

If anything, I think of myself as being on an extended leave of absence from my profession.  My husband and I agree that having a parent in the home with our children full-time during the pre-K years is optimal, and we are fortunate to have the economic resources to do so.  I was the logical person to stay-at-home for biological, economic, and professional reasons.  Nevertheless, I am fairly certain that I will be back to work in a few years…er, back to my profession.

This line of thinking troubles me though for a few reasons:

First, I wonder whether my refusal to see myself as a homemaker is yet another way of devaluing this type of work.  I’ve worked harder and longer hours since I left my job to stay at home than I ever did in my 10 years on-the-job.  (Yes, including the middle of the night blackberry messages I was expected to reply to during my years in the Mayor’s Office!)  Am I looking down on this work by saying I am not a professional homemaker?  Do I need the validation of holding it at arm’s length and saying “Yes, I am a homemaker, but this is not who I am.”

Second, when I do return to the workplace, I will still be a wife, mother, cook, housekeeper, bill payer, etc.  I may choose to outsource some of my daily responsibilities (oh, how I long for someone to scrub my tub for me!), but coordinating the household work will still be my job, along with my husband of course.  Point being, a homemaker isn’t a profession, it is a life.  My life.

Third, I am troubled by how troubling I found this question.  It is said that it is a uniquely American trait to define oneself by the work that you do.  Europeans searching for an icebreaker at a cocktail party never ask each other “what do you do?”  For me, an American, I still define myself by my response to this question.  And at the moment my response cannot be captured by a drop-down list on an online questionnaire.  “What do I do?”…what don’t I do?  I make up rhymes and sing silly songs.  I read stories and make lunches.  I fold endless loads of laundry and teach the importance of washing your hands.  I pay bills online and apply for homeowner’s insurance.  What I am doing now isn’t my profession, but it is my life.  And I love it.

The article is full of brilliant (and banal) suggestions for how to slow down and savor life.  Finally, folks are catching on that faster is not necessarily better and that there is beauty in simplicity!

But what I was most excited about was a piece by the author Dean Bakopoulos called — get this!– “Letting your toddler set the pace.”  Because the piece is not available online, I will share an excerpt:

…At least once a week I walk without destination; I walk slow and avoid the straight shots.  This is a pleasure I picked up when my daughter was two.  It was just spring and the concept of a stroller–which I employed to make every walk a speedy “workout”–became, to her, fascist.  So I let her out; I let her set the pace.  And we went really, really slow.  Toddlers do not speed-walk; they meander.  They stop and look at rocks, bugs, and bottle caps.  They talk to tied-up dogs and neighbors our gardening.  They sing.  And they notice everything.

I’m a big fan!  All of those properly-placed semicolons are just the beginning.  I love this piece.  Not only does it touch on several of the themes that I have talked about on this blog, including living life at your child’s pace and letting kids get out of the stroller and walk, the article makes the brilliant observation that by slowing down and strolling with your children, you too will see things differently.

In the past several months, I’ve noticed gorgeous architecture in my neighborhood that I had blown right past for years.  I’ve met people (doormen, the fruit-stand vendor, dog walkers, and lots of neighbors) that I had never stopped to say hello or even acknowledge before.  I finally feel like I am a part of a real community here on the Upper West Side, all thanks to my snail’s pace and my happy toddler. 

Slow parenting isn’t just good for your kids (but it is!), it’s good for you too!

PS: I am going to go find Dean’s book “Please Don’t Come Back from the Moon.”  And actually pay for it instead of just borrowing from the library!

As parents it is easy to forget the effect that you have on your child’s development.  When your toddler is throwing an epic temper-tantrum and demanding something off-limits (television, cookies, juice), it is tempting to placate his demands to achieve that ever-illusive goal: peace and quiet.

In today’s New York Times there is an interesting article by Roni Caryn Rabin regarding new evidence that the 0-5 years are the most influential in determining future obesity.  While many interventions have aimed at getting school-age children to eat healthy meals and exercise, there are few programs targeted to the toddler set.

This article was a compelling reminder of the simple truth that as parents We Matter!  Our daily decisions regarding the amount of time our children spend in front of the television versus the time that they are on the playground, regarding the number of sugary and fatty treats we provide in lieu of healthy snacks and well-rounded meals, regarding the amount of juice we pour instead of water or low-fat milk, these decisions have an effect on the overall and lifelong health of our children.

I would be dishonest if I didn’t admit to giving in sometimes…don’t we all?!  But the next time I want to stuff a cookie in MJ’s mouth to get him to stop wailing, I will do my best to remember the lesson that each moment, each choice, is an important building block in his development.